J O Y

Today was a very exciting day for me.  Completed isn't the right word.  Up to date is more like it.  As life goes on, there will be more I will need but for now, for now my collection is complete.   I don't want anything else.  I don't need anyone else.

I obtained the final one this afternoon, completely by accident, while I was enjoying a snowy walk to catch the bus.  Those are the best surprises.... not even a hint that today would be the day.  They've all been unexpected but today's was an extra special surprise since I truly thought I'd never get it.  In my excitement I missed the bus.  Actually, I got impatient, sent a quick text, and practically skipped back to my car long before the bus arrived at the station.   I was hoping you could keep me company for the ride home, but it's ok...

This particular collection began 4 or 5 years ago.  Someone wonderful I used to know filled my Ipod with music for adventuring and my inspiration was tucked neatly in the middle.  After getting home from work this evening I got comfortable and spread them out in front of me.  One at a time I picked each up, cradled it in the palm of my left hand, and smiled.  Just that little bit of warmth on my hand is enough for me.   My favorites include one from Tampa, Florida, one from a truck stop in Ohio on my birthday 2 years ago, one from a random day wandering NYC, my secret one from a fall day in Philly, and of course my new one from a snowy February day in DC.  The new one feels funny, out of place almost, I'm not sure it's time for it but it's here now so I will keep it safe.   And you say that I don't have this down.  I've been practicing out loud. 

~~~

Three days ago I saw my first robin of the year and today the crocuses started breaking through the dirt.  Soon the daffodils will be up.  The waterfall never did freeze this winter.  I wanted so badly to see that, closing my eyes and imagining how beautiful it must be as the weather got colder.  Silly I know but I put myself to sleep on more than one occasion thinking about it and wishing I could just sit there and watch that last drop freeze on its way down.  I remember some words and I revisit my treasures. 

My mind wanders a lot now and very often it's to that waterfall.  Part of me thinks, "There's always next year."  Another part of me thinks, "It's a funny world where machines could replace people."  I looked in the bathroom mirror today and noticed my collar bones are more pronounced then I've seen in a while and I can see the waves of my breast bone.  My eyes are greener too, even when I'm not sad.  

All the evidence points in one direction.....

tupelo honey

My coffee tastes a little sweeter and smoother this morning though I didn't make it any differently than usual.  I did however, get to drink it in my window for the first time in months.  Is it really only early February?  .....fresh mild air and the warmth of the sun on my cheek.  It's the first real warmth I've felt in months., not the electronic warmth of my blanket or the gas powered warmth of my car heat.  There are only two perfect heat sources in this world, the sun and human touch. 

Gotta love the city where the trees aren't quite bare in the winter.  The tree outside my kitchen window is sporting a variety of plastic bags today.  A tan Wawa bag, a small plain white one, and a shredded food delivery bag.  They're making a nice rustling accompaniment to the gulls flying over the Yarn Mill. 

As if to bring me back to reality, I randomly remember the plastic dog food bowls in the cabinet to my left.  Gray bowls with little white paw prints around the outside edge.  I've nearly forgotten that that was this apartment just over a year ago.  I feel a slight breeze and the sun pokes my cheek and I smile at the dog bowls hidden in the back of the cabinet. 

My mind quickly drifts to an early October bonfire... hotdogs, bud light, s'mores, and more stars than I've seen in a very long time....

I think I really liked this last one.  Though I've already put that all in past tense, I'm not completely giving up.  I'm not waiting around either.  Life will take me where it wants to take me.  And I'll continue the search for the fine line between fighting for what I believe and walking away from a lost cause. 

My heart lets out a maniacal little chuckle and tricks me into going to youtube and playing a certain song.  I curse myself and listen a second time.  Shitballz!  *splat*  That's the worst part about music, it breathes life into fantasies, it calls back the memories of making out in the dark by my car at the end of the night, it reinforces hope that may no longer exist.  I'll gladly live in that particular 3 minutes and 31 seconds with my second cup of coffee and the realization that allowing myself this partial little fall was the best thing I could have done for myself, even if it turns out to be nothing more than a memory that smacks me like that last one, over morning coffee in my window sill.

bridges

There's an envelope on my kitchen table with your name written in black sharpie, in big bubbly caps, crooked and underlined once.  It grabs my attention every time I walk by.  I hate it.  Some days I pretend I'll never see you again and eventually the envelope and its contents will get shoved aside and then end up in my basket of sort and shred.

How did I end up here again?  I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen.  I did everything different this time.  Well, almost everything....

I haven't driven over my favorite nighttime bridge for half a year.  It was love at first sight.  A cable-stayed bridge that spans the Chesapeake & Delaware Canal.  It glows gold at night.  Though I'm usually one for silver, it's stunning and too peaceful to ignore.  The stretch of highway that takes me there is a great drive as well, not heavily traveled, dark, boring, just curvy enough and just long enough.

I needed a drive.  I wanted to see my bridge.

All the sound in my head shut up as I crossed the Delaware state line and I realized I never turned on any music.  I left the stereo off a bit longer.  Music's been making me queasy lately, a sad state of affairs for a full time musician.  I simply can't find peace in even my favorite albums and artists right now.  It's great to be working but I need a hobby and I'm not sure driving over bridges in the middle of the night is considered a hobby.

My EZpass got a workout tonight crossing the bridge 4 times.  I thought of stopping and taking a picture but it's not the same, nor do I want to share my bridge with you.  You wouldn't really care anyway would you?  Didn't think so. 

I wish I were back on that beach in Florida, alone and watching the sun sink into the Gulf.  Better yet, I wish I were in Ikaria on the rocky beach in Faros watching the fishing boats and soaking in the beautiful all day long.  My reserves of beautiful seem to be depleted.  Maybe that's why all the grump lately.  Looking around me I see all the places I left bits of happy... willy-nilly sharing it with people who only wanted to enjoy it temporarily and superficially.  I'm ok with that.  What good is beautiful-happy if you can't share it?
 
A quick Waffle House stop cements the smile my bridge put on my face.  Hot coffee in an old stained and cracked mug, scrambled eggs, scattered, smothered and covered hash browns, and sausage.  I feel full and warm again. 

Home and in bed before the sun even thought of rising.....  I dropped my purse on top of your envelope with barely a second a thought and am cozied up in bed.  Much better for now.