Love and Friends

why would I stop loving you?

A single line tucked in the middle of an email reduced me to tears this morning.  Honestly, I've had a difficult time with several things recently and tears have been keeping me company.  It is not necessarily an entirely bad thing.  It just is.  Sometimes we all need a break from being (or pretending to be) strong and put together and need to allow ourselves some time to be selfish and human.

While I am being honest I would like to add that this dull aching throb in my chest is like none other I have felt before... it's bubbling.  Not like a freshly opened soda but like a thick tar-like something at a fast boil on the stove.  I awoke mid-night from a dream of events to come in the near future with the bubbly throb amplified and my left arm numb.  I was certain in my hazy sleepiness that my heart was literally broken.  Perhaps it is.  It will scab over in time.

On Monday I took a walk to see a friend.  A friend with whom I don't share much of anything verbally but I feel understands me better than most.  We chatted a few minutes and set a date for me to come back for longer and I left, closing the door gently behind me.  I walked most of the 2.5 miles home before finally giving in to hunger and heat and hopping the trolley to the bar.

Bonk's was surprisingly full for 3:30 on a Monday afternoon.  I ordered a crabcake and onion rings and swallowed down a few lagers.  When I was at the point of picking at my onion rings a man approached and burst into a story of how he and his friends were discussing the "damsel in distress" alone in the bar and how he should come up and talk with me but wanted to wait until I was finished eating.  I thanked him for that and quietly resented the "damsel in distress" moniker.  From that point I was introduced to and shook hands with all 18 people occupying the bar and the older gentleman (17 yrs my senior) next to me provided me with conversation for the rest of my time there.  Following a polite amount of conversation after his awkward yet sweet attempt to ask me on a date and my decline, I paid my check and stumbled from the bar.

There is something I love immensely about a mid-day drunk.  Bumbling my way through the city streets while people are just arriving home from work always brings a smile to my face.  It reminds me that I do have a wonderful life.  I hiccupped as I walked which made me laugh out loud and in turn talk to myself the whole way home.  I passed a large bed of purple, fuchsia, and pink pansies and was overwhelmed by the smell of lilies.  Even in my inebriation I knew that my eyes and nose were not agreeing on the current situation.  I laughed and hiccupped and continued on my way glancing back periodically to make sure I wasn’t being followed.

Today all I hear in my head is Ms. Molli's voice easing my concerns over decisions I had made, "Extraordinary lives don't just fall into people's laps.  You have to take risks and make stupid choices."  Somewhere in the past 2 years I forgot that and am glad to have remembered it upon reawakening this morning with feeling having returned to my left arm.  I love nothing more than seeing the people I love do crazy-ass things in an effort to find their own extraordinary life.  Though today it means losing a great friend to the distance of a new life, hopefully a better life.  And I know using the word "losing" here is going to touch a nerve but that is the truth in the sense that there will be no more hanging out, no more ridiculous electronic communication while sitting next to each other on the couch or waiting to play a gig, and I'm sure considerably less gmail chatting in the evenings as time will be otherwise occupied.  But amid the selfish melancholy I am still more thrilled and excited at the new world that awaits and agree that perhaps it‘s time I do the same again.  And just in case you ever find yourself lost in a fairy tale:

Remember your name.
Do not lose hope - what you seek will be found.
Trust ghosts.  Trust those that you have helped
to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams,
Trust your heart, and trust your story.
When you come back, return the way you came.
Favors will be returned, debts will be repaid.
Do not forget your manners.
Do not look back.
Ride the wise eagle (you shall not fall).
Ride the silver fish (you will not drown).
Ride the grey wolf (hold tightly to his fur).
-Neil Gaiman excerpt "Instructions"