I am strawberry pudding.

Saturday morning....

Here it comes again.  Like clockwork.  There's a sigh of relief in my head as well as the longing for it to not end yet.  I'm never ready for summer to end.  The days have been cooler.  Cooler than August should really be actually (at least I think so).  And the evenings have been cool enough to wear jeans.  Although I haven't yet broken out of my dresses-all-day-everyday yet.  That's the part of me longing for summer to continue a few weeks longer than it will. 

The air is damp and chilly right now as I sit here sipping my green tea and honey.  That's another way I know the season is changing.... no coffee for me this morning.  The house is still asleep.  Today I will head home, open some windows and relax a few hours.  I am seriously bummed that my original plans for this evening have fallen through but there's nothing you can do about other people.  The universe will be whole again soon.  I have faith in that.  I'll take today as it comes.  Same with tomorrow and the next day.  Such is life and you have to enjoy as much of it as you can.  Things change, people change, time pauses for no one.   

The sun is almost breaking through the thick morning clouds.  It will be warm and bright again soon.  I am truly thankful to have had these past 2 peaceful mornings.  My heart is beating slower.  My thoughts are getting saner.  My balance between want and have is slowing creeping back. 

....

Monday evening thunder over my head and Tori in my ears.  I love watching the rain.  The lightening finally came by as well.  I love me a nice natural light show.  If you've ever been to my place you know I'm watching this all play out over the greened double-spired church across the way.  It's the perfect view from my bed.  As were the 4th of July fireworks and the hundred and seven rainbows I've seen in the past few months.

Its almost over.  This is not the way it was supposed to happen, but I knew it would be like this.  Now the sun is down.  2 more days.   The storms have set off a few car alarms... it seems like chaos out there and I am safe inside.  The thunder is wrapping me in stories tonight.  It has my undivided attention until I drift to sleep.

....

Up, showered and dressed early, and in search of new surroundings.  There's a coffee shop in Fishtown I've been wanting to try.... It smells of fresh coffee and has records decorating the walls.  The rain looks like snow the way it's dripping from the shop's side awning.  Heck, it all looks like snow the way it's blowing today.  Small drops... spray almost, coming down nearly sideways with a fury.  How many days now has it been raining?  I've lost count.  I've been rather enjoying it.  Someone just opened the door and along with the damp August air was a rush of cigarette smoke.  I think I'm in heaven.  Honestly, I'd be a smoker if I wasn't too lazy to start.  Maybe I'll give up not smoking this year.  Though I doubt I'd love the fresh second-hand smoke and stale smoke in the clothes, hair and fingers of the smokers if I was a smoker myself.

And Bob Dylan comes over the coffee shop speakers.  (smile)  Tomorrow I will see him live at The Mann.  I couldn't be more excited.  It will be a fun relaxing night before a day I’m nervous about.... uncertainty is as nerve-wracking as it is exciting.  The harmonica takes me back to a dog I fell in love with... I fall in love with dogs much easier than I do with people.  I think I'll always love the dogs most of all. 

Someone recently asked me if I've always lived in Philly and my instant reply was "yes."  An easy, unintentional lie.  Philly has never felt like home.  No place ever has really.  All the places I've ever spent more than a month in have been home to me.  Boston 1994 - 1998.  Nashville 1998 - 2000.  NYC/Woodside, Queens 2006 - 2008.  Ikaria, Greece the summer of 2001 (or 2002, I don‘t remember exactly).  Indian Rocks Beach, FL the summer of 2009 (not really home but a much needed month and a half vacation while I was temporarily homeless up north).  Philly and it's burbs before, in between, and since. 

The sun peeks out on cue as the Beatles come on.  (...and I say it's alright...)  A silly little coincidence but enough to bring a big smile to my face.  A short rain storm today, perhaps just one of many.  And now I'm watching the mailman paint the mailbox on the corner of Girard and Columbia.  Once upon a time I lived in a wonderful house 3 blocks up the street from here but that was long before this coffee shop existed. 

I loved that house.  I needed a place to live and my sister worked with a guy who knew a guy.... something like that.  I remember first seeing the place.  I walked in and fell in love.  Coming from all sorts of shit and decent and nice apartments, I had never before thought of renting a house.  2 story, 2 bedroom, claw-foot tub, large eat-in-kitchen, dining room, living room complete with black marble mantel, crown molding in the whole house, beautiful light fixtures, full basement with washer and dryer and a big backyard, fenced in with trees and flowers and the most beautiful black irises.  Perfect.

My friend, who was to be my roommate, showed up after I had seen the entire house.  I couldn't contain my excitement as I took him around to see it.  I was literally jumping up and down.  We could afford the rent easily.  Location was great.  All I needed was for him to agree.  It was the one time in my life I ever seriously used "pretty please" followed by an unknown number of solo "please"s.  And of course, "I want to live here really badly!"  Cue The Smiths... (....so please, please, please let met, let me, let me get what I want this time....).  He agreed and we moved in at the end of that month.

That was the last time I ever begged the Universe for anything.  Lesson learned.  I let the chips fall where they may now.   And I know I'm right in the middle of something now.  Certain doors are wide open.  Some doors are trying to close and some are fighting to keep open even just a crack.  I'm lost when it comes to humanity.  I have such a lack of faith and trust in the world around me.  I don’t think I can live this way for long.  I have places to go but without even an idea of where I want to end up how do I know what I should do?  Make myself happy right?  Have trust in my friends.  Draw a clear line between friends and lovers.  Follow the music where it takes me.  Buy a chair for my apartment.

Direction and peace of mind just like that :p  Now if the rain would stop I could walk home though there's a nice selection of eye candy here, maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry to leave....