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There's a small sliver of light somehow sneaking through my 4 layers of curtains. It woke me up and won't let me sleep anymore. I peek at my phone.... 7:49 *grunt* that's just not going to work for me. I roll over and pull the covers over my head hoping it'll block out the razor blade thick beam of sun.

i just.
want.
to sleep.

I snuggle deeper into the covers and relax as much as I can. I try to clear my head but it doesn't work. The dog from the first floor starts barking and its shithead owners just let it bark. Assholes. They don't deserve a dog. poor thing just gets thrown outside all day, everyday, regardless of the weather. and they never walk him.

I take a peek at my phone again. 8:34...

suddenly I have to pee. I hobble to the bathroom through the excessively bright kitchen and back again. I realize the blade of sun is no longer in my bedroom. I look at my phone. 10:51. huh.

:)

There is nothing greater in this world than my apartment. My quiet, still, lonely, dark, cozy, beautiful, wonderful, just the way I want it apartment.

:)

First thing I do each day is turn on the radio... a 15 year old silver radio/cd/cassette player. Usually tuned to KYW 1060 AM. (Yes, I listen to news radio everyday. It reminds me there is indeed a world out there even if I don't feel like opening my curtains and seeing the daylight.) I must have hit the button and changed it to FM today and an awful song poured into my room. I couldn't change it back fast enough.

Bathroom, contacts, dishes, coffee, computer. For being so anti-routine, I definitely find comfort in starting my day this way. Stupid song... piece of crap yuck shit. Of all songs to hear first in the day, I just happened to be *lucky* enough to hear one I despise not only because its a shitty bit of songwriting but it digs up some shit-ass memories.

My skin still crawls when I think of him.

It ended 6 years ago. I had known his parents for 7 months before meeting him. They were certain that when he moved back home we were going to want to go out on a date. Sure enough a few weeks after he arrived home we had our first date. He planned it based on our conversations. When the night began I really thought he was messing with me. Certainly he did not plan an entire evening around something I was very vocal about disliking but it turned out, he not only did just that but was excited about how much I'd enjoy it. I should’ve run right then but I didn't. I was tired of being alone and was depressed and lost. He fell hard for me and I supposed he was nice enough. By the second date we were a couple.

Six months later we were living together. My friends and family loved him! Thought he was the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas and any other ridiculous expression you can think of. I knew within 3 months of living with him that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and it was too late. I was too scared to leave and too scared to stay and had no one to talk to about it. I forced smiles and nodded every time someone said how great he was. At one point I had everything justified in my head that this was the way everything was supposed to be regardless of the fact that I had to pick up another bucket of spackle from Home Depot. This must be where I belong. Everyone thinks so... and he’s never hit me.... just the wall next to me....

The bigger the holes in the wall got, the more I drank to hide the voices in my head so I could listen to my family and friends.... of course they had no idea of what things were like at home but "they love me and they’re smart, and I can’t seem to think straight these days. I'm sure they're right and I'm wrong. I’ll trust them."

I worked 3 jobs so I wouldn’t be home much and would stay up on the computer to avoid sleeping in the same bed as him ever since I woke that one night with his hands in places they should never have been while I was asleep. His alarm would go off at 4:20 every morning and he hit snooze once every day. I would stay up until 3 minutes after he hit snooze and then gently crawl into bed before the alarm rang again.

I was tired all the time. Sometimes I would fall asleep at work or in my car in parking lots between jobs. He was out one Sunday... playing his stupid army man game at the game store in the Franklin Mills Mall. I never could understand how he could love a game so much that was played primarily by 12-14 yr old boys. He got so excited one day that he played an “awesome game” even though he lost.... to an 8 yr old.  While he was out playing, I crawled into bed.... I just needed a few hours sleep. I just needed to close my eyes and rest. I must have fallen into a super deep sleep. I must have needed the sleep so badly. I didn’t mean to sleep so long or so heavily. I wish I had gone to my mother’s or had just never taken a nap that afternoon. I didn’t hear him come home or into the bedroom and didn’t even feel him climb into bed until I was pinned down.

　
　
Everything I hate about the song that brought this all up is everything I love about music. That was a trip down memory lane I could've done without but looking at where I am now, it's ok. I'm good. Better than good, I'm happy and content and alive.