strange little girl

Woke up to an inch of new snow on the ground and heavy flurries.  I heard Tori coming from the kitchen.  Something from Venus.  Otherwise the world was very quiet and cold but not muffled like the snow usually is.  Something just felt a little off but not in a bad way.

After 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was oddly alert and ready to get on with the day.  I was also a little disoriented and tried to separate my dreams of the "night" with the real.  I'm not sure I did have dreams but I'm also not sure if what I thought was reality really was.  We had to leave later that day.  I needed to pack and clean and say goodbye soon.

Mother is doing well although she seemed strikingly older than she did six weeks ago.  It's understandable but I look forward to things getting back to normal or even better than normal was.  It was a good visit.  We are getting along better than we ever have.

I think she really enjoys telling people how backwards a baby and child I was.  Hopefully it's because, despite how awkward my behaviors were, I've turned out well enough.  A little weird, but well enough. 

"Most babies cry until you pick them up.  You would be happy as a clam until I picked you up and then you'd cry and cry until I put you back down.  It got to the point where I would just hold you until you stopped crying and then I'd put you down again."

We wonder why I have an aversion to hugging immediate family members...

How about speaking my own language until I was 5 years old.... I was playing and reading music long before I was speaking proper, coherent English.  I was also in diapers until about then and had to be kept on a strict schedule or I would fall asleep wherever I was, including in my food.  Apparently, I almost drowned in my soup on more than one occasion. 

"I couldn't ever put you in a time out because you preferred to be alone and play by yourself.  You liked time outs too much."

I still prefer to be alone most of the time.  My head gets too loud.  It's too loud right now and I can only manage about 10 seconds of even my favorite songs.  Being around people for several consecutive days  turns into constant noise in my head and makes me dizzy.  At that point even light turns sonic and invades my peace and makes it impossible for me to perform the simplest task like getting dressed or brushing my teeth.  My only desire is to hide in a dark, silent, solitary place for a day or two and it's the only way I've found to help me feel normal again.

I was an odd child who grew into an odd adult.  An odd adult who is proud of her accomplishments and loves her friends and family and even *cough cough* her sisters and mother with all her being.  I also still love time outs and put myself in them on a regular basis. 

A little after 1 am on, well, technically Monday morning, I returned to my apartment.  As I climbed the stairs to the second floor I noticed a door that had never been there before.  I stopped and turned around to make sure I was in the right building.  I remembered I had to unlock the building door just to get in so I had to be in the right place and turned back and proceeded slowly up the stairs my eyes never leaving the new door.  It is white with proper molding... unlike any other door in this building.  I promise it wasn't there before but I questioned myself until I was up in my own apartment. 

I was half expecting the door to be gone today but it's still there.  I tried to open it.... its locked.  I will try again tomorrow and look for the five and a half minute hallway.  I'm still a little confused and anxious and unsettled but numb to the negative aspects of all those things. 

Things are changing and for once, I'm ready for it. 

I think.