strange little girl

Woke up to an inch of new snow on the ground and heavy flurries.  I heard Tori coming from the kitchen.  Something from Venus.  Otherwise the world was very quiet and cold but not muffled like the snow usually is.  Something just felt a little off but not in a bad way.

After 3 and a half hours of sleep, I was oddly alert and ready to get on with the day.  I was also a little disoriented and tried to separate my dreams of the "night" with the real.  I'm not sure I did have dreams but I'm also not sure if what I thought was reality really was.  We had to leave later that day.  I needed to pack and clean and say goodbye soon.

Mother is doing well although she seemed strikingly older than she did six weeks ago.  It's understandable but I look forward to things getting back to normal or even better than normal was.  It was a good visit.  We are getting along better than we ever have.

I think she really enjoys telling people how backwards a baby and child I was.  Hopefully it's because, despite how awkward my behaviors were, I've turned out well enough.  A little weird, but well enough. 

"Most babies cry until you pick them up.  You would be happy as a clam until I picked you up and then you'd cry and cry until I put you back down.  It got to the point where I would just hold you until you stopped crying and then I'd put you down again."

We wonder why I have an aversion to hugging immediate family members...

How about speaking my own language until I was 5 years old.... I was playing and reading music long before I was speaking proper, coherent English.  I was also in diapers until about then and had to be kept on a strict schedule or I would fall asleep wherever I was, including in my food.  Apparently, I almost drowned in my soup on more than one occasion. 

"I couldn't ever put you in a time out because you preferred to be alone and play by yourself.  You liked time outs too much."

I still prefer to be alone most of the time.  My head gets too loud.  It's too loud right now and I can only manage about 10 seconds of even my favorite songs.  Being around people for several consecutive days  turns into constant noise in my head and makes me dizzy.  At that point even light turns sonic and invades my peace and makes it impossible for me to perform the simplest task like getting dressed or brushing my teeth.  My only desire is to hide in a dark, silent, solitary place for a day or two and it's the only way I've found to help me feel normal again.

I was an odd child who grew into an odd adult.  An odd adult who is proud of her accomplishments and loves her friends and family and even *cough cough* her sisters and mother with all her being.  I also still love time outs and put myself in them on a regular basis. 

A little after 1 am on, well, technically Monday morning, I returned to my apartment.  As I climbed the stairs to the second floor I noticed a door that had never been there before.  I stopped and turned around to make sure I was in the right building.  I remembered I had to unlock the building door just to get in so I had to be in the right place and turned back and proceeded slowly up the stairs my eyes never leaving the new door.  It is white with proper molding... unlike any other door in this building.  I promise it wasn't there before but I questioned myself until I was up in my own apartment. 

I was half expecting the door to be gone today but it's still there.  I tried to open it.... its locked.  I will try again tomorrow and look for the five and a half minute hallway.  I'm still a little confused and anxious and unsettled but numb to the negative aspects of all those things. 

Things are changing and for once, I'm ready for it. 

I think.     

An atheist and a priest go to dinner...

My new favorite thing lately has been roasting and candying nuts.  They say to roast them until the smell of roasting nuts fills your kitchen.  Well, my kitchen isn't that big but I can only smell them if I'm near the oven.  Maybe my sinuses are screwy.  Maybe it's because I only roast one pound at time and they're done in about 12 minutes.  But god damn it smells heavenly right around my oven

This morning I'm sitting on my bed with my coffee in hand and bundled up.  It's warmer in here than it was yesterday but still not warm enough for my comfort.  Having the curtains opened lets in a lot of cold air thanks to cheap windows but I need the sunlight too.  I often dream of life on a tropical island and today, bag full of candied walnuts in hand, is no different. 

Its so quiet around here these days.  The building is empty except for me.  Yesterday I could hear my landlord singing loudly as he cleaned and fixed up the vacant units in the building.  Yes Tomas, I am happy they are all gone too.  Let's hope the newbies are kinder and more respectful. 

I've been here a long time..... three years now.  In this 4 unit building I've seen 2 units move out peacefully and 4 get evicted.  My hopes for the rehabilitation of the building are not too high but I'd like to be able to  have a friend visit again.  I've had a small handful of guests over the years but none for over a year and a half. 

August 29th ish....20...11 perhaps.  Yes, I think that's correct, or as close to correct as you're going to get.   I remember what shoes I was wearing... my cute cork wedge pink leather sandals I got on super duper sale at the outlets in Sanatoga.  I also remember having to stop in the 7-11 at 2nd and Market that day to pick up a box of band-aids to protect my chafing feet from the brand new leather.  We walked down 2nd St. trying to figure out where to stop first.  It was early afternoon I suppose and there weren't many people out and about yet.  It was also a day or two after Hurricane Irene hit the east coast.... perhaps some places were closed due to flooding and power issues. 

It turns out I remember some details better than others. 

Eulogy was closed.  I sat down on their stoop and band-aided up my feet and then we went in to Triumph Brewery.  I certainly remember very few significant details.  I suppose it was the fact that I had been drinking for.... oh, I dunno, at least 5 days solid at that point.  Though I do remember having some wonderful conversations with my company. 

So, I remember my shoes, a band-aid situation, Triumph Brewery and delicious beers, great conversation and dinner.  It was the most spectacular dinner!  Cuba Libre.  I don't remember what I ate or drank... probably sangria knowing me.  Dessert was some kind of dulce de leche or something that I had never had before but he was super excited about.  Delish!  I was pretty tanked at this point but obviously holding it together enough considering I remember what was, hopefully at least, the most important part of that night's conversation.

It is beautiful inside that place.  Being late summer, the giant windows that make up the entire facade of the restaurant were all open.  The ceiling was two stories up and we were surrounded by massive tropical plants, trees, palms... completely engulfed in the atmosphere.  Those cute and somewhat tacky ceiling fans with bamboo blades shaped like paddles.... peaceful, relaxing and totally made me forget I was in Philly.   I'm sure the sangria helped it all too.

The company I kept that weekend was very taken with me.... had been since we first met in NYC years before.  I don't remember our exact meeting but know we met through a mutual friend.  It was most likely at the Slaughtered Lamb in the West Village.  It was most likely over Guinness and a few car bombs and ridiculous conversation and with one or more of the boys getting bent over the table and whipped by the waitress. 

I do certainly remember one of our times out and about in the city, standing on the subway platform each waiting for different trains to head home.... his pulled up quickly when we got to the bottom of the stairs and he grabbed me, stole a kiss and started towards the train.  He never let go of my hand though and once our arms were completely outstretched he pulled me towards him and stole another before hopping on the train and the doors closing. 

It always seems to be trains.  They're always there.  They always close their doors at just the right time.  Once happily inside them there is no passage of time, only passage of space.  Life is just the way it should be on trains.  I understand that my love affairs are as much with trains as they are with men.

But trains are cold.  And lonely.  Merely ways for people to go back to real life, homes and families in the suburbs or back to the life of the cities where there is no responsibility other than getting to a bed safe as the sun begins to brighten the sky.  I miss those pre-sunrises I spent drunk and underground though I definitely don't miss having to be creative to find a bathroom at 4 am when the bladder that's full of booze decides it has to be emptied immediately! 

And there we sat six years later in Cuba Libre.... drunk and happy, sharing dessert and looking at a string of tomorrows with millions of possible outcomes.  It was all so perfect for a girl like me because the only thing I'm certain of is that I want to be surrounded by beautiful, wonderful people forever.

Pianos

Go ahead and giggle as you look at her.  Leaning a little to the left, one headlight a bit crooked, small dents in both sides of the hood's front corners.  Walk around the driver's side and notice the mangled door lock where someone tried to crowbar their way into her, the busted up driver's side rear hub cap.  The driver's side mirror has been replaced three times, the passenger's side window has been busted once, and the driver's side front strut was snapped in half once.  All damages that happened while I wasn't even in the vehicle (except the right side hood dent).  That poor abused car is my best friend.

She's taken on somewhere around 65,000 miles since I bought her 3 years ago.  Pretty impressive for a car that often sits idle for weeks and, on a few occasions, months at a time.  I'd buy her all over again if I could and I'm holding on until she just can't keep up with me any longer.

I've somewhat lost track of time but I got the car in early December three years ago.  That would be December of '09 right?  Dad had been gone going on 11 years and mom was packing up 30 years of our lives in the 2-story beige colonial with brown shutters to ready it for sale.  Tensions were high between my mother and all four of her daughters.  None of us could get along for even just a meal.  I was living part time in 3 different homes, in 3 different towns. It was the end of my couch surfing homeless days. 

That was the summer I hopped in that car and we took our first, most wonderful road trip.  Philadelphia to Indian Rocks Beach, Fl.  Just me & my Saturn with no ac and every cd I owned.  And peace for nearly 2 months.  I spent all but three days of that two months completely alone.  I remember about 6 days into the trip my phone rang and it was the first time I had spoken to a human being since I checked into the cottage a week prior.

Gloriousness!

That is what life is all about.

"I hope you haven't been doing much highway driving like this."  My hub assembly was completely fucked up.  My tire could have flown off the car at any moment.

Well, I'm pretty sure it was okish enough for my road trip to the Carolinas last summer.  Of course, that was after the time Jose cut me off, slammed on his brakes, lost control of his blue Blazer and took out the passenger side front corner of my car which could have been when the hub assembly was initially damaged.  But since the noises started.... eh, just three 130 mile trips into Maryland.... oh yeah, and the drive on I-95 every day to and from work.  Oh, and the 43 miles to my sister's house I made on many occasions.  Oh, and two or three trips out to Telford to hang with the beautiful MissRose.

I still owe $60 on those repairs and I don't have the money to pay it.

I remember the drive to Florida.  The rains in Georgia nearly killed me.  I hadn't driven through visibility like that since the nighttime October drives through the Great Smoky Mountains.  Tori kept me company and I had all the time in the world.  I've been lucky to have had an incredible amount of freedom over the past decade.  Freedom to do what makes me happy.  Freedom to be myself.  Freedom of time but not of money which is better than the reverse in my mind.  I had plenty of everything I needed.

Certain loves have left my life over the past three years.  Sometimes I miss them terribly.  Sometimes I don't give them the teeniest thought.  Sometimes, like now, they get a thought, a three quarter smile, and then go back into the cobwebby corner where they live until I need to borrow a memory, laugh, or break my heart.  Tonight I don't need those memories, tonight it's time to face forward. 

Right now I'm sitting at my kitchen table waiting for the last good light bulb in this apartment to burn out.  I'm clothed in multiple layers and wearing a winter hat, fingerless gloves and scarf, and wrapped in a blanket I use rarely because I refuse to ever wash it because its as soft as clouds.  I'm cold and I'm hungry.  But I'm getting by just fine. 

I pull my old cherry colored Samick out of the cobwebby corner.  She was pretty enough and she played nice enough.  She was brand new when I brought her home.  Home in Nashville.  Home in Antioch.  Home in Horsham.  Then they took her home and I never saw her again.  I don't miss her.  I just miss having her kind near me at all times.

I need little more than a date with my 990 pound friend in that big empty auditorium though I'll certainly settle for any of his smaller siblings.  No wonder I'm lost, I haven't had a heart to heart with myself in longer than I can remember.  I think it was maybe Goose Creek, South Carolina.  When was I in a place called Goose Creek?  I think it was a dream a lifetime ago.  A lifetime when it was warm and I wasn't here.

The excitement is starting to dance in my belly a bit.  "This is our year" MissRose constantly reminds me.  I need her constant reminders.  And from that cobwebby corner I see a shadowy form jumping up and down and laughing.  "Extraordinary lives don't just fall into peoples laps.  You have to take risks and make stupid choices."