April Showers

This is what I woke up thinking this morning: It was a long time ago and I'm not a little girl anymore.  And it wasn't that bad for me anyway.  I only lost my father, the other two lost their daddy. 

I'm in my normal place.... cross-legged on my bed with my computer sitting on the piece of wood I used to use for my B3 module.  Coffee is within easy reach on the arm of the futon.  I had a dream last night that you got rid of the Nissan... "payments" was all you said to me as we walked towards the huge bright slightly mustardy yellow 1980's Buick.  I only assume we were going to a gig.  I felt lost, out of sorts, not knowing why I was there but knew I had nowhere else to be and was content in your company.

What a strange year this has been.  I'm not sure how many of my smiles I wore like a bracelet and how many were genuine.  I suppose it doesn't matter too much when all you remember is smiling right?  The back of my smiles are bouncing off the empty metal walls of my insides.  It's all echo-y and a little scary.

I have a hard time with change. 

Lately, I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

But I am surrounded by wonderful friends whom I love dearly and love me in return.  Some days I have to remind myself of that constantly.  Those smiles don't bounce in, they beam out.

There's a girl I've known since kindergarten.  She lived up the street from me and thanks to facebook, we are still in touch today.  And although we haven't spoken much since junior high or seen each other since high school graduation, I still consider her my friend.  She was my first best friend after all, and you never forget your first anything.

Our birthdays are coming up, in fact, hers is today.  She was in town on Sunday and requested my presence for a pre-bday drink.  I was stricken with the fear of a 12 year old yet instantly jumped up and showered, dressed, and got "going out ready".

It was lunchtime and we were in the cafeteria one day in the 7th grade.  It was the day the girls looked at me and told me I wasn't popular enough to eat with them or be their friend anymore.  The three I had known longest sat silently with their eyes down while the other two giggled as they told me this.  Once I realized it wasn't a joke, I got up with my tray and walked away and never looked back.  As we moved on to high school, those girls became the cheerleaders & entourage and I happily hung with the "metal heads" and music kids.

That is the fear that hit me on Sunday.... meeting up with the cheerleaders at a bar in the city.  It sounds absolutely ridiculous as I write it down.  The anxiety of not being good enough is still living somewhere inside.  I was all dressed and ready to go and I sat on my bed trying to decide if I should go until it was too late.

I honestly do hope to grab a drink with her soon as well as with our other friend who was there that day.  It may be awkward at first but they are good people and that's what's important.  We could all use a few more good people in our lives.

The chilly dampness of today is starting to eat through my sweatshirt and I still have stuff to do before work.  As much as I've been dreading going to work lately, if it wasn't for the job I'd never leave my apartment.  Or my bed.  Sometimes its the responsibilities you dread that give you a reason to keep going until the real motivation returns.  Mine seems to be on one hell of an extended holiday.... maybe I'll find it on the upcoming extended weekend I'm giving myself in 2 days.  Looking forward to a drive and perhaps some sun and beach time.