reconnecting

I'm out of milk again.  This is a fairly regular occurrence in my kitchen.  I’m used to drinking my coffee sweet and black.  My shopping list is now: milk, something to eat that is more substantial than sunflower seeds.  I realize there are easier ways to go about things but I like things this way.  I don’t mind sitting here thinking of an old friend when I should be dressing and going to the market before work.  In fact, I prefer sitting here thinking.

The details of that evening are not mine to share and even if they were, I’m not sure I’d want to share them with you.  I’ve thought of her often.  Especially a few years back while with him.  He and I were playing out a 20 year old fantasy and the rest was just good fun.  I now wonder who was actually the better friend and how the hell I ended up the one in the middle.  Oh yes, I remember now.... we were 14 years old. 

The 3 of us were "in a band" together.  We had shitty instruments, no songs, and never played together but we were going to make it big!  It was the 3 of us against the world.  But this was the boy that all the girls loved, including us.  The guitar playing boy that all the girls went nuts over.  The boy who spent everyday after school and that summer at my house hanging out and playing music.  He was so wonderful and I wasn't, there was no way he could ever like me, not when he could have any girl he wanted.  I was naive.    Naive even after he kissed me towards the end of that summer shortly before he moved away.  It was too late though.  I had already lost my best friend and had a horde of torch carrying girls out to kick my ass.  All over this boy.

1000+ miles of I-95 between us, communication was spotty letters and occasional phone calls.  We held on to a "someday" that we discussed in every conversation.  We were young and thought we could do anything.  I spent high school rebuilding my social life and working towards college.  By the end of senior year we were all living in a different world.  Feelings had healed, apologies were given and accepted, and life moved on and distances of all kinds increased despite random run-ins, letters and phone calls. 

She was the last best girl friend I had.  I never really trusted another girl after that.  I thought of her often during his and my brief affair a few years ago.  After getting back in touch after about 15 yrs of no communication we agreed that this life was not meant for us but that we weren't ready to call it over.  It was the perfect affair, short, loving and provided closure at least for me. 

It's absolutely impossible for me to separate these two friends.  I think of one and see the other standing back and to the left.  They have set the standard for all friendships since and that's not necessarily a good thing.  But it's also not an entirely bad thing.   

There was a strong instant hug when she walked up to me on Saturday.  We are now grown women.  We've walked our own paths, moved on to new lives but in that moment, during that hug, I felt that old bond still there and strong.  Maybe it was just a wish.