Whiskey kisses and cupcakes

It seems I can't escape the bitter chill in the air but I'm ok with that right now.  I've got the sliding door open a few inches so I can hear the waves and the chatter of those filthy gulls.  I'm at the beach.  I'm in North Carolina with some strange large research ship or something running up and down the coast doing who knows what and for the first time in days, I'm alone.  I'm actually doing the laundry too, go figure!

Seeing palm trees makes me feel silly being wrapped in this old ugly floral beach house quilt.  Sand, waves.... I keep forgetting it's only late March and the sun isn't quite ready for me although I am very ready for it.  But there's nothing to complain about.... I sat in a hot sun spot yesterday morning with my coffee and the door open wide watching the waves while my friends and family 500 miles north dug themselves out of the snow.  I hope that was the last snow of the season.  I may cry otherwise.

So is this where I intend to live?  I think yes.  I think the words of Fondly, Martha have come true.  Perhaps I'm not putting enough weight on decisions of this size.  Maybe I just assume that since I was looking for a change, this must be the right one for me.  Maybe it just feels so right that I have no reason to question it.  There's just something about this 3rd floor condo overlooking the ocean that feels like the right next step.  Not to mention its a 3rd floor condo with a balcony overlooking the ocean.

My return to Philly is only 5 days away and my resignation from the job I've loved for 13 years is close behind.  For real this time.  There will be no hanging on to a few days mid-week and commuting.  This isn't NYC.  This is much too far for that kind of security blanket.  It would be no security blanket anyway.  After all, I decided to leave the job nearly a year ago in an effort to find something that pays enough to eat and put gas in my car.  I'm tired of choosing between those two things while chasing the mice and roaches around my apartment.

And the best part of it all is that I seem to have found the elusive "something" that I had finally brought myself to believe I'd never find.  For the first time in my life I have no doubts, no questions, no anxiety, and full trust in just being.  I logically try and tell myself to think this through more carefully and to keep a safety net out but I don't know what else to say other than it feels like I'm home and I'm not speaking geographically.

Ghost cat is wandering around the condo.  I haven't seen her since my apartment in Woodside Queens.  She hides in my Port Richmond place.  There's too much bad juju there.  I will not be sad to walk away from the only place I've lived in alone and I will not be sad to not have to burn sage on a regular basis to clean the air just so I can sleep.  I am indeed more superstitious than I care to admit on most days.

Its getting time to close the glass door and heat up some of the delicious homemade eggplant parm in the fridge.  I'm not quite sure I'm ready to move yet though.  I guess I can wait until the washer is done.  A washer and dryer, the sound of the waves, the black leather vest with the Harley-Davidson patch hanging over the kitchen chair.  Things couldn't get more comfortable and right than this, of that I am pretty sure.  It certainly has felt like I've stumbled upon my own fairy tale.  The cynic in me cringes at my even thinking those words and now that I've typed them out I see her swinging a sock of rocks over her head.  She is only concerned for me and it concerns her more that I'm not paying her any mind.  If this all does come back to bite me in the ass, so be it because it's all been worth it so far. 

hmmm the washing machine sings a little song at the end of the cycle.  It reminds me of the cute little house in College Park, MD that I haven't seen in a long while.  We will stop on our way back here in late June and have some lunch or brunch or something wonderful.  I will miss those visits most of all.  I will miss the closeness of all my cousins that I've come to enjoy these past 3 years.

The sun is beginning to set, the tide is coming in, and he'll be home soon.  He'll come home to find me here, where he left me, comfy and cozy and drinking a big glass of wine.  Dishes are done.  Laundry is done and folded.  I don't feel like I'm playing house.  I feel like I'm home.

There is a lot of work to be done over the next two and a half months.  It will take my mind off the fact that there are a lot of goodbyes coming.  When I think about that too much it's a little hard to breath but its even more difficult to think of what I'd lose if I didn't follow this through.