sshhh

I may have to put on pants today.  It's rather chilly for an early July day.  The 11 day heat wave that just broke is making these average temps seem chilly.  The wind feels like late August at the Jersey shore but lacking the salty sting in the air.  It's a beautiful day and it's silent both in my head and out.  I'm sitting cross legged on my bed but I'm not in Philly anymore.  I'm not sure where I am.  It's a nice feeling.

There are a lot of secrets swirling around me.  Not all mine.  In fact, so many people have told me their deep dark shames that I can't seem to remember my own right now.  I feel as if I'm taking a vacation from my own ugly to wade around in that of my loved ones.  This is not the beautiful kind of ugly, this is certainly the Devil trying to destroy the people I love.

The Devil is trying to destroy me too.  I can feel it tugging at my hair.  Today I'm not going down without a fight.  Nor are my friends.  My inner superhero is dressed for battle.

My skin is a lovely shade of greek girl.  I can't help it.  The sun relaxes me and quiets the noise around me.  I sunscreen my face and my tattoos.  The rest of me is golden, my back already a good shade of mavri.  I spent hours in the sun, even during the "heat wave" without much more than breaks for a glass of water.  There is something wrong with me but I don't mind.

I remember my summer in Greece.  I did not tan much.  I did not do much.  I was still fat and unhappy.  I was flopping around in my own pool of hate and yuck.  No one saved me.  No one tried to help me even.  I had to do it for myself.  Ikaria was my first step. 

My grandmother met me at the airport in Athens and we took a cab to her cousin's house in Piraeus where we spent the night.  The next morning we would catch the fast ferry to the island.  Pictures simply don't do any of it justice.  I will post none.  If you want to see it, you must go.  And go now before the oil drilling begins.

There really isn't much to say about my time there.  I spent time with my grandparents and quietly explored the island, it's beaches, towns, food, and waters.  I didn't go to the discos, even when my cousins tried to drag me there.  This trip had one purpose, find how to start putting myself back together. 

I remember Nas and Armenistis, Faros, Agyios, Evdilos.... prickly pears, figs, grapes, cheese, goats... the mountains, the dogs....  It's all tucked away for me to revisit every time I close my eyes.  I want nothing more than to return. 

That was a lie. 

There is nothing more I want than to return with my friends to show them how beauty still exists in this world.  It is alive and well and right under our noses.  One at a time I want to show you absolute perfection, heaven on Earth.  I feel like if I can take you there everything will be better, like magic.  I know that's not true but my naivete believes that the perfect will sweep you off your feet and heal you too.



But who am I kidding?  It won't heal you.  It didn't heal me.  I returned to the states relaxed and recharged but still swimming in the cesspool of the life I built.  It took years for me to really get to the happy.  I can't save any of you.  I can't even help you see what I see in yourselves or the world around us.  My wishes for you, myself, and us will just keep dog paddling around the Aegean Sea until they reach shore or drown.  Either way, it's the way it should be.