The wind is blowing pretty strong through my north facing window. Chilly slightly damp air.... not at all what I think a late June evening in Philadelphia should feel like. It almost has a Jersey shore like skank to it. But maybe that's just my mood. I'm not drunk enough to not care. Plus, I think it's time to change my sheets.... or maybe shower. But my Guinness tastes like heaven and it's quiet right now. It's not often this building is quiet. Only the faint sound of cars traveling along I95 and a distant Ice Cream truck can be heard. So what is it I've been doing all week? Well, that's a loaded question.
I tucked my Guatemalan Worry people under my pillow 3 nights ago and forgot them there... I'm sure they don't mind, they end up there often. Do I really believe these little hemp "people" take away my worries in the night? Certainly not but it's something to do when crawling in bed alone worrying about people or things.
Yesterday I "woke up to the sound of pouring rain" as sung by Sebastian Bach. I'm not sure from where in the depths of my brain that one came from other than it was indeed pouring outside my still open window. I know there's a place way back there, buried behind 21 years of life that does also hold the words to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" amongst others and all the guitar solos of that time but I would appreciate it if my brain left that all in the back of the closet there. Skid Row Ahaha! But it brings me to listen to another song from way back... the opening guitar notes instantly turn on the waterworks. That's not typical of me. I won't share the song or the story. It is one so personal that in 20 years I have never shared it with anyone. It is the one and the only thing that is truly just mine. I will share something related to my current thoughts and that is that the one thing I promised myself I would NEVER do, I did last night and I very well may never forgive myself for that particular mistake.
I now understand my fervent dislike of the word "someday" goes back not 3 years as I thought recently but indeed 20 years back to the single moment that changed the course of my life. I was 14.
Someday. Open ended. I feel it's used predominantly when someone has something better going on but wants to keep something on the back burner indefinitely. It doesn't leave the door of reality open it only leaves the fantasy world alive. Someday never comes. At least not usually. But it paints the picture of hope infinitely swirling in the back of your mind.
I have someone on my mind tonight. A ghost I suppose he should be called all these years later. There used to be a ton of somedays with him but now there are none. He's long dead but such a huge part of who I am. I love remembering. I hate feeling. Oh but these guitar solos make me laugh my friggin ass off! I can still sing most of every one.
*sigh*
As only my older sister might remember... I have a not so strange craving for fries, a fillet o' fish and a strawberry milkshake.
